Reflections

Before I was violated, I used to enjoy exercise. I liked the way it made my body feel. These days, it’s like my body and I got a divorce.

Whereas victims of some crimes can avoid their crime scenes, rape victims cannot get away from ours. We have to look in the mirror at our crime scene every day. The only way to escape our crime scene is by dissociation of some kind. We can try to forget that we have a body, or we can change our crime scene so that we look like a different person.

For me, I changed my hair color. But that ended up making me feel more vulnerable. Men came out of the woodwork to hit on me. While some women would enjoy that kind of attention, it just made me feel objectified. It reminded me of being raped.

That is not to mention the jealousy of other women that I’ve encountered. One was a boss of mine.

Subconsciously, I disconnected from my body. I wanted to be unattractive.

But my health started to suffer. I gained so much weight that I have back and foot problems, as well as sleep apnea. I have had to make a choice to be vulnerable again. I have to embrace my body as a best friend and not think of it as my enemy.

It’s going to be hard, because I know the negative things that will happen when I lose weight. How will I feel safe? These are things to ponder.